A new Home for Journey Blogs (and there is one there now!)

Hello friends!

http://stefsjournal.blogspot.com/

In a recent conversation with my pal LeeAnn in Florida, it came to my awareness that this part of the overall journey of the last few years is new - its different - and its mine. Although I feel North with me everyday it feels like this new chapter, this cross country healing odyssey, needs a new title and a new look.

North actually created an alternate blog site for me long ago, I used it once and forgot about it - sharing information and feelings on the familiar North Blog site. Well, I think it high time to put it to good use. The title in place is obviously appropriate... Stef's Journey Journal. So this is where you will find my entries of stories, thoughts and pictures on the road from now on. As a matter of fact, I just posted heaps of photos and an update there today. Come visit!

To get to this new blog site click the link above or the one down below this on the right in RED.

I'll continue to post new blog notices on this site for subscibers because that option does not seem to be available on the new site.

Hugs and welcome to the endless journey of change... you know, the one we have all always been on :-D !!

Much Love,
Stef

Fantastic Florida

What a journey this continues to be in every way. Barnie and I have been exploring Florida (the top half anyway) for about three weeks! It has been such an amazing experience to be able to liesurely wander along the coast, which is gorgeous. I don't know what I was expecting but it was not the lushness of the forest making its way to the water. This state really does its state parks right!
Greyton Beach was described as being "Middle-Earth Like" and since my sweetie and I loved those Tolkien books and movies, I had to go there. Never mind that it was sold out! I was told there was a slim chance I might get a spot - first come, first served. So as I pulled up I asked for a little heavenly assistance, going so far as to say aloud I'd love a secluded spot next to the water. I am sure you can guess the rest... you know, the ranger lady saying "Sorry, can't help you" to looking again and saying, "Oh this is really your lucky day. The most requested spot just became vacant as the people left a day early!" Lucky indeed! (See pix below.)


It occurred to me as I left that magical place, that it could notget any better than that. But I caught myself and reframed to say, again aloud (this sort of thing seems to happen with increasing frequency the longer I am alone), "It not only CAN get better, but it very likely will!"

So... you guessed it - it did! Meet my favorite, most gorgeous, prisitine and "away-from-it-all" camping place thus far, St. Josesph's Peninsula. AWESOME! Here I had no cell reception, and a quiet voice in my head suggested I take a cue from the phone and spend my time there (3 days & 2 nights) with no electronic distractions what-so-ever. No computer with it's addictive games, e-mails and internet. No music inside or on the i-pod on my walks. Just me and Barnie and the wild critters (plenty of them to my absolute delight!), the waves and wind and occasional RV admirerer (I've gotten a lot of condfirmation that I chose my home-on-wheels well from other RVers).


It really felt like my time here returned me to my natural state of, well... being a naturalist! My senses hightened to every sound and detail. I slowly admired that what at first seemed like obvious and simple things, but they became so... mystical and profound. Things like all the various bird calls from red cardinals, black birds, thrush's and more, unfamiliar animal tracks in the sand, saying an admiring god morning to several deer, the sweet soft feel of the powdery white sand and gentle breeze, and how the sunlight illuminates the palm leaves and pine needles. And I will never forget how the floor of sea grass in the bay literally came alive as I floated in knee deep water with snorkle and mask. It went from sand and greensh-brown grass to suddenly moving with life everywhere in the form of a big bizarre crab with long stick-like legs, loads of hermit crabs and strange sea snails of evey size (a first for me), not to mention all the little fish that came to investigate me at close range when I did not move. I felt as though I'd been let into a secret club... a hidden world so different but so close to my own all the same. Truly, truly wonder-full!
Then came another first for me in the form of fresh water springs so crystal clear and pure you can see every fish and turtle and stare in awe at the color, which my camara captured pretty well. This is Manatee Springs State Park where it rained almost all day and I slipped into the water with snorkle and mask again to another very different world! (more on manatees in the next blog!)

There is so much more still to share - stories about the new friends I made and the great time we had Thank you Ginna and Paul!), and the old friend I am currently staying with in St. Augustine. (Love you LeeAnn!) More on that in phase two of Florida in my next entry.

Thanks and blessings of all good things to those of you who journey with me on this blog. I am humbled and appreciative that you do so.

And for now, just know I am happy to be here and am finding it easier to answer people when they ask how I can do this sort of thing so young. I can say now, and not with misty eyes every time, that it is a win from loss. I tell the few friendly folks I meet and chat with (I tend to keep a pretty low profile when solo - connecting mostly only with sweet retired couples with dogs!) that my most amazing and beloved husband made this possible through his infinite love and caring, which I still feel so close and dear every day.

Thank you sweetheart.
Always yours,
Stef

Louisiana and Mississippi in Pictures!

Oh My! Am I ever having a fabulous time in the South. "Loozyanna" the state where my honey was born- I LOVE it!
Old churches to swamp tours (yes, we were that close!)..






To a sunset dinner of crawdads and beer (Brother Bruce said I HAD to get them to really do it rght- messy but yummy!)

To joyfully joining up with Cousin Dan and Vicki for tours of the still recovering (sort-of and slowly) Mississippi coast and New Orleans, (nothing makes as clear the incredible devestation of Katrina - know here simply as "The Storm" as seeing the empty coast and loads of FEMA trailers - 3 years later) and 3 days of Jazz Fest in that amazing city - complete with soaking thunder showers, lots of beer, TONS of interesting people watching and some really great music. (Thanks for the hat Dan.) What a blast!

We stayed one night in the French Quarter and the rest of our time at one or the other of two homes of Dan and Vic's long-time pals Ted, Nanette and Trey. Thank you SO MUCH for your hospitality and for spoiling Barnie!
All throughout the time here I have eaten the best food I've ever had night after night! Seafood done right! Gulf Coast cuisine is my new hands down favorite .

It's the culture and history, beauty and energy of this area I love. But mostly its the people (and the food, I admit) that make it hard to move on down the road. But off I go now... Alabama, Florida, Georgia, and South Carolina are next. Life is GOOD!

The Gateway Through the Enchanted Forest

After almost my first full week spent driving through the desert (in all its beauty AND manotony!), I watched the terrain gradually begin to change from flat and brown, short plants, to hills and green trees, flowers and wildlife.

Welcome to The Hill Country of Texas and Rainbow Hearth Sanctuary and Retreat Center.

My first ever random on line search for neat places to visit along my path revealed this place to me before any other. And it os obvious to me in many delightful and intimate ways that the Spirit and energy of my beloved husband led me here.

The viel is especially thin in this place held sacred by the two-legged's of this land for centuries. And here I find myself in a beautiful blue room above the tree tops overlooking a huge lake full of herons and cardinals and constant yellow butterfly's. It is called the Sky Loft and of course! He loved to play on words. So of course he would guide me to this place and meet me here, in a loft in the sky!

Because here, as in Misty Glen Cabin in the Smokies, I have found a portal to communion. And that somehow has allowed for a more soulful kind of grief, making its perfect way to a new and more peaceful level of acceptance,and understanding... even letting go.

But most of all.. I can hear. I mean in a totally new way. Dare I try to explain? Suffice it to say that the wisdom of this astounding earth, in all her beauty and mystery in this fairy land forest;

along with my willingness (and readiness I guess) to open to a whole different level of receptivity,

AND the way this strange and vibrantly alive forest, with its sacred medicine rock, enchants and whispers and calls for ceremony... I can hear it! And I like it, a lot. And I'm somehow different. I am reverent and overwhelmingly grateful.

Please visit the website http://www.rainbowhearth.com/ and share it with friends. Come here, come home. This place ROCKS! The land of this retreat is a place originally visioned and purchased by Mariah. Then, over 28 years, she and her husband Richard co-created it to what it is today. These two are such kindred spirit's to both North and I- Mariah and Richard. Richard died from cancer last year, as North did. I imagine the two of the great friends of endless conversation and philosophising; high winging each other over just how good we are doing! Mariah and I have had great conversations and immediate conection. I'll be back.

Poetry has been on the edge of my pen since I got here. But each time I sit to write I find myself simply trying to document the countless bits of synchronicity and delightful finds and sights and sounds in the woods.

So I wandered the library here and my hand landed on this small hardback book -

Rilkes Book of Hours, Love Poems to God.

As I sat down to another fabulous meal overlooking the water I let the book fall open as it would. The words on the page stole my breath from me and blew my mind even wider open. So I'll do as my beloved often did, I'll let a poet from the past speak my heart and my journey for me as only poetry can. And I'll share it with you, those who read this. If nothing else I've written about this "process" I've been in... I think this brings it home and helps you (and me) to better understand.

I love the dark hours of my being.
My mind deepens into them.
There I can find, as in old letters,
the days of my life, already lived,
and held like a legend, and understood.

Then the knowing comes: I can open
to another’s life that’s wide and timeless.

So I am sometimes like a tree
rustling over a gravesite
and making real the dream
of the one its living roots
embrace:

a dream once lost
among sorrows and songs.

Rilke – From “Love Poems to God”

Finally On My Way...

Hello Everyone! Today is Thursday, April 17th, 2008. And, at long last, I am finally on the road.

Getting the “Mac Truck” flu (thanks for taking care of me Mom!), having and replacing three (yes, 3!) dead or dying batteries (it takes one for the engine and two for the RV systems), banking and paperwork issues, and finally, when I thought I was all ready… high winds…all contributed to delaying my original desired departure date. But as I continue to believe in, and consistently find proof of, the Divine Right Order and timing of things, it all worked out for the best, in some truly amazing ways. I was able to spend just a little more quality time with family and friends.

... Like two awesome bon voyage gatherings - one in the OC with my GB's, and one in my home town (thanks Christinia and Anton!); a wild night out to Sushi with the Buckler’s, Zach, Chris and Leigh; staying the night in the RV with Skyler and Jackson, as well as Pop and Linda (great steaks Dad!); Glen Ivy Spa with Ma and my sistah’s, Kris and April; going horseback riding on wonderful Freedom with Mom; being able to attend Sis Kris’ first art show (so proud of you darlin’), and completing some important things to free me up for my journey. Sis Kris said she could never imagine anyone being more prepared than I!

So I gassed up in Lakeside and got on Highway 8 East on Tuesday morning, April 15th at around 9:30 am. As I merged onto a stretch of road I’d be on for many hours I took a deep breath and looked around at the town I grew up in. I felt a strange mix of excitement, sadness, and oddly (but then again, maybe not) bewilderment or confusion. Was I really, finally, actually doing this – driving away from all that I’ve known for places unknown?! – In this big RV with just my dog? It was surreal to say the least, especially when the CD I had in of Rickie Byers Beckwith of Agape Spiritual Center, began playing “I Feel Like Letting Go.” The lyrics go something like this… “I feel like letting go. Let God. Let go. With God all things are possible! With God all things are bountiful. And deep within God loves me so. Let go, I’m letting go.” Wow.

SO… where am I now you might ask? In a campground in Southern Arizona at a place called Kartchner Caverns State Park, just south of Tuscon. (Thanks for the tip Sheila!) I go on a tour in the morning. I spent my first night in Casa Grande, CA, a 7 hour drive from Lakeside. The next day I made my way to Green Valley, Arizona where my Uncle Larry and Aunt Joanne live. We had a lovely afternoon at the Desert Museum which has a fabulous menagerie of native flora and fauna in natural habitats. I swear that mountain lion turned to look at me for more than a picture; it being one of my all time favorite wild creatures AND, according to my Native American animal cards, my right side totem, or spirit guide. They represent leadership, primal feminine strength, protection and courage, and solitude.

I guess I can relate to that now as I enter into two full weeks alone across the desert and into the South. Two weeks of quiet and only Barnie to talk to along long roads through Texas and into Louisiana. I can already feel some “just-underneath-the-surface” thoughts and feelings beginning to rise up. I miss my sweet husband SO much, wishing he was here with me planning and laughing. It’s hard but it’s good. No more obnoxious to-do list to keep the process of my grieving and healing at bay. The deeper healing is a hand and I can actually feel him more, thank GOD. It’s been 8 months already and in a way I feel like only now can I go to a new place with his loss. I am sad, yet glad for where I am; mystified at the whole big open plan, and even a little bit anxious. But I know it’s all good. That’s why I’m here. That’s where I’m going.

Love and blessings and hugs to you all,
Stef

Honorable Mention!

So I woke up this morning to go to work and the first thing that came to mind was my momma. She is having a hard time, as any mother would, with my leaving and having no real idea if and when I am coming back. Letting go can be hard to do and she is doing the best she can. WE treasure our horseback rides more than ever these days.

Then I realized that due to temporarily losing my camara, I had no pictures in my March file of a very important day, and as a result I accidentaly left out the first significant event of the month of March in my last blog... her birthday!! We had a wonderful party and a very special day out on her day just the two if us. I treasure that time together and how much you enjoyed it Momma!

So here is a photo of us on our road trip back from Colorado in October (never got that blog up either!) This was at a great old piano bar in that tiny town way up in the Rockies. Uray?? We took the steam train up there from Durango and it was awesome! I love you Momma! Thank you for all you are and all the love and good times. You ROCK mom-sita and I can't wait to see you in Florida and on up to South Carolina in June! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

The Magical month of March - a pictoral update

AKA... "Birthday Boys, Friends, Z, Fields of Gold and a new RV!"

My cross country journey is just around the corner. I look forward to sharing blogs on the road that carry the flavor of previous heart and soul explorations: writings akin to those shared by North and I during his cancer journey that brought people to this site; not only for information, but inspiration and the opportunity to possibly look at life or themsleves in a new or different way. My intention and prayer is to carry that on and continue to touch people in meaningful ways (hopefully!) by openly sharing myself and my "odyssey" across the country and back home to myself.
In the meanime, life has been full to maximum capacity! Educating myself about RV's and finally finding one to buy has been a long process. (Endless thanks Pop and Linda!) Preparing for this trip continues to dominate my time, mixed in with work and creating as much quality time as I can with loved ones.
Here are some great photos to share of all the wonderful happennings these past several weeks.

My precious nephews celebrated another turn around the sun this month and turned... Jackson started playing baseball and is the biggest kid in his class. He is also quite gregarious and has lots of friends. I also love it when he calls me "Duff!" (My old family nick-name.)
Skyler (Sky Guy) is a bright and witty 9 years old and shares my passion for critters. Both boys are really looking forward to thier individual overnights in the RV with me next week! (And so am I!)
Wonderful Liegh and I shared another magnificent walk and heart talk around Dana Point Harbor and as we hugged goodbye it really made me realize just how hard this departure might prove to be! All of us GB's (Goddess Babes) are getting together this Friday for a Bon Voyage Blessing Get Together. Can hardly wait.

Miss Sheila and I drove and giggled through the canyons (Modjeska - where I used to live, and Silverado) on a truly spectacular day provided by Mother Nature. She hosts the upcoming gathering and I am SO blessed and grateful for our time together and our wonderful bond.

Zach and I had a special dinner at the incredible "White Horses" restaurant in San Clemente where North and I had dinner the night he proposed and also our first (and only) Valentine's Dinner as a married couple. He and I were given a gift card by Grace Avalon that we never got a chance to use. It felt vey appropriate and perfect to go there and enjoy that with my son-in-law. I love you Zzzzzz and I'll cherish that memory and time together. It felt really good to share memories of your Dad and to not actually cry, but laugh! Thank God, thank North and thank you. And you looked SO handsome in your Dad's shirt and tie! If you live in So. Cal. then you must have noticed all the fabulous color of the woldflowers! It is so beautiful! North and I both loved music by "Sting" and all day today the song "Fields of Gold" played in my head as I drove past golden hillsides and fields. And I thought of, missed, thanked and loved my sweetheart as I drove MY NEW RV home from Camarillo with Dad and Linda! Whoo Hoo! Check it out below!
Oh my it's all mine!

And it's HUGE and clean and like new! I am SO excited! (The cute duck couple was a random bonus when I got back to the Buckler's!)

Love to all and more to come,

Stef