Big Change - Big Dog - Big Decisions

Hello loved one's,

Here is an e-mail exchange with my friend Jeannine (the bean) that, once I completed my response to her, I realized would make a fine blog up-date.

Much love, health and happiness to all who visit and read here.

Stef
(P.S. Pls notice my new e-mail address - stefmcswink@yahoo.com)

----- Original Message ----
From: Jeannine Stark
To: stefmcswink@yahoo.com
Sent: Thursday, February 7, 2008 7:38:51 PM
Subject: Hi Stef!

Hello Angel friend~

How are you girlfriend? How did the packing/moving go? I have not see you in awhile and miss you terribly! I hope to see you soon! Just wanted to say hi and hope all is well with you. You have been in my thoughts lately and I am sending love...

How is it going at Susan's and how is Zach? Hope all is going well with moving in and readjusting. How is your new doggie?? Would love to hear from you--GB! Love and light~Jeannine xo

Saturday morning, February 9th, 2008
Hi Bean!

Thank you for the e-mail and your ever present loving and caring nature!

Lots of challenges during this change. The move out felt like it really was never going to end. I had some help but most of it was me touching, deciding about, purging, giving away, storing or keeping with me 92 years worth of life stuff! (40 for me and 52 for North). As much as I'd rather stay upbeat and positive, truth is I've been exhausted and sad and stressed and I am SO glad it is finally OVER!

The difficulty of this time of transition has been intensified by the presence of the new dog (Ivan), who has turned out to be a Jekyll and Hyde creature. Sweet as pie at home and psycho wanna-be killer of all other dogs when out. When he sees another dog he lunges and spins and starts making the most bizarre and LOUD yowling-like scream if you will. It literally has brought people out of their homes wondering what human or creature was hurt or dying! Between that and the fact that he barks non-stop whenever I have to leave him in a room or outside, well... I could not in good conscience subject him (or myself or Barnie) to sequestering his 70# gorgeous self into an RV, having every walk be tense and scary, and having him bark whenever I want to go to a store or museum or whatever.

I realize that with training he could improve (I watched 4 episodes of the dog whisperer last night and saw it is possible to turn the aggression around). But when I am honest with myself I have to admit that having all that energy on my trip is not what I want. I want to finally and at long last experience real relaxation and no agenda, and most importantly, release from stress and that constant state of feeling almost overwhelmingly responsible for something or someone of vital importance.

Truth is, I am making myself ready for my life to become about me for awhile... about a ME that has yet to be re-discovered or discovered anew. So...I have made the very difficult decision to return this stunning white shepard wolf dog to the rescue group today. I have never released a dog once I've made a commitment. But after much gut twisting consideration, I know it is in the best interest of everyone involved. So I pray and trust he finds the absolute perfect forever home SOON. (I am going to offer to foster him until he finds his next owners).

What I have yet to "get" is the "reason" for all of this. How was it that I felt it a good idea to get a totally unknown HUGE creature right in the middle of a stressful life-changing move? I mean he is sweet with Barnie, stunningly good looking (there's a clue!), and I felt I would be secure and protected with him on my trip. It felt right. So why did it go this way, with him getting Barnie sick with kennel cough and costing me literally over a grand in adoption fees, vet bills and supplies!? Only to return him??? Sigh... I am attempting to surrender to the mystery and remembering that there is good in every situation, whether I see it clearly now or later or not. I still want another dog but I am much clearer of what I want (or don't want) and am releasing the whole thing for now. Hopefully it will happen when its right (perhaps when I am on the road) and Barnie and I and the new doggie will adjust easily, get along great and be mellow together!

So I am here at Zach's and the Buckler's home now. This is my third wake up here and it is quite comfortable to be with this family that I feel a part of so easily. Some think it strange for me to temporarily move in with my husband's ex-wife... but not us! We all love each other and Susan even filled my Rx for my sore throat last night and made me tea. So life is good... again. And after some much needed R&R I will, with my Dad's continual and thorough help, continue my research into just the right vehicle for my trip and start making plans for my new journey.

I am so glad to have friends like you in my life and it comforts me to know that no matter where I go, you will always be close to me.

Much love and many warm blessings to you,
Stef

Getting on Board The Change Train (moving and a new family member)

Once, a long time ago, I heard the following phrase; "The only thing constant is change." My reaction at the time was nervous discontent. It felt, to my 20 something self, that there was no way to control the circumstances of my life... no way to keep what was good in place, no way to ensure an outcome of my desire.
Well, add another 20 years of life, and plenty of unexpected change, and oddly enough, the vast majority of that anxiety about the unpredictable nature of life has faded. If there was one thing my sweet husband imprinted on me, it’s that life is filled with uncertainty. And the greatest power we have exists in how we choose to be with it; how we perceive what takes place and how we fortify ourselves with the good that ultimately and always exists in any situation.
So now my husband is "gone" (although I feel him near me, sometimes undeniably so) and this morning I sit here in a house full of boxes, preparing to leave forever this place we, together, called home.
This sacred space held so much for us. It is where we moved in together as a couple in January of 2006 and set up house amidst his constantly growing tooth pain that, the following month, on February 17th, was discovered to be cancer. Shortly thereafter this blog began. This is where we dwelled through the ups and down's of cancer treatment and cried "tissue mountains" through the hardest and most courageous conversations about life and death and love everlasting. It is where we opened our doors and our hearts to the world and invited so many earth angels in to travel with us, love us, support us and grow with us. This place is where we came home to as husband and wife, where we loved and laughed and cried and this place, within these walls, is where my beloved North Man died.
Needless to say, packing up our things and deciding what to keep and what goes, and overall just preparing to say goodbye to this place, has been hard. One minute I'll be filling a box singing along to North's i-pod, the next I am wrapping paper around a photo or trinket of his and I am a pile of tears and sorrow on the floor. But usually just and quickly (thank God) I am back to singing again, and I guess that's just the way it goes. Cousin Dan talked me through a particularly difficult night and reminded me that the memories and sacred things that make this place special don't exist in the wood and walls and tile, they live in my heart. And he is right of course. It helps to be reminded of that. But it's still hard.
So for those of you who may not know what is next for me, I will share very briefly with more details to come in future blogs. I am fulfilling a long held dream of mine to be a gypsy and travel this great nation with no real agenda and only myself to find. So, if all goes as planned (and leaving plenty of room for our friend "uncertainty"), I am purchasing a used RV (probably a pull behind travel trailer) and somewhere near the end of March or early April, and in the nature of Jack Karouac, Charles Kuralt, and countless others, I am "Hitting The Road"! Where to and for how long are currently unknown variables. I guess I'm taking the uncertainty of life head on and look forward to discoveringing what's in store.
On a final note for today, I adopted a new rescue dog to add to our tiny family of Barnie and I. I would post a photo but for some reason that option is non-existent today. Just suffice it to say he is BIG and sweet and Barnie likes him. More on how he got his name and his and our progress soon.
And once again, thank you for reading and caring and being a part of my life.
Namaste',
Stef