Finally On My Way...

Hello Everyone! Today is Thursday, April 17th, 2008. And, at long last, I am finally on the road.

Getting the “Mac Truck” flu (thanks for taking care of me Mom!), having and replacing three (yes, 3!) dead or dying batteries (it takes one for the engine and two for the RV systems), banking and paperwork issues, and finally, when I thought I was all ready… high winds…all contributed to delaying my original desired departure date. But as I continue to believe in, and consistently find proof of, the Divine Right Order and timing of things, it all worked out for the best, in some truly amazing ways. I was able to spend just a little more quality time with family and friends.

... Like two awesome bon voyage gatherings - one in the OC with my GB's, and one in my home town (thanks Christinia and Anton!); a wild night out to Sushi with the Buckler’s, Zach, Chris and Leigh; staying the night in the RV with Skyler and Jackson, as well as Pop and Linda (great steaks Dad!); Glen Ivy Spa with Ma and my sistah’s, Kris and April; going horseback riding on wonderful Freedom with Mom; being able to attend Sis Kris’ first art show (so proud of you darlin’), and completing some important things to free me up for my journey. Sis Kris said she could never imagine anyone being more prepared than I!

So I gassed up in Lakeside and got on Highway 8 East on Tuesday morning, April 15th at around 9:30 am. As I merged onto a stretch of road I’d be on for many hours I took a deep breath and looked around at the town I grew up in. I felt a strange mix of excitement, sadness, and oddly (but then again, maybe not) bewilderment or confusion. Was I really, finally, actually doing this – driving away from all that I’ve known for places unknown?! – In this big RV with just my dog? It was surreal to say the least, especially when the CD I had in of Rickie Byers Beckwith of Agape Spiritual Center, began playing “I Feel Like Letting Go.” The lyrics go something like this… “I feel like letting go. Let God. Let go. With God all things are possible! With God all things are bountiful. And deep within God loves me so. Let go, I’m letting go.” Wow.

SO… where am I now you might ask? In a campground in Southern Arizona at a place called Kartchner Caverns State Park, just south of Tuscon. (Thanks for the tip Sheila!) I go on a tour in the morning. I spent my first night in Casa Grande, CA, a 7 hour drive from Lakeside. The next day I made my way to Green Valley, Arizona where my Uncle Larry and Aunt Joanne live. We had a lovely afternoon at the Desert Museum which has a fabulous menagerie of native flora and fauna in natural habitats. I swear that mountain lion turned to look at me for more than a picture; it being one of my all time favorite wild creatures AND, according to my Native American animal cards, my right side totem, or spirit guide. They represent leadership, primal feminine strength, protection and courage, and solitude.

I guess I can relate to that now as I enter into two full weeks alone across the desert and into the South. Two weeks of quiet and only Barnie to talk to along long roads through Texas and into Louisiana. I can already feel some “just-underneath-the-surface” thoughts and feelings beginning to rise up. I miss my sweet husband SO much, wishing he was here with me planning and laughing. It’s hard but it’s good. No more obnoxious to-do list to keep the process of my grieving and healing at bay. The deeper healing is a hand and I can actually feel him more, thank GOD. It’s been 8 months already and in a way I feel like only now can I go to a new place with his loss. I am sad, yet glad for where I am; mystified at the whole big open plan, and even a little bit anxious. But I know it’s all good. That’s why I’m here. That’s where I’m going.

Love and blessings and hugs to you all,
Stef