The Gateway Through the Enchanted Forest

After almost my first full week spent driving through the desert (in all its beauty AND manotony!), I watched the terrain gradually begin to change from flat and brown, short plants, to hills and green trees, flowers and wildlife.

Welcome to The Hill Country of Texas and Rainbow Hearth Sanctuary and Retreat Center.

My first ever random on line search for neat places to visit along my path revealed this place to me before any other. And it os obvious to me in many delightful and intimate ways that the Spirit and energy of my beloved husband led me here.

The viel is especially thin in this place held sacred by the two-legged's of this land for centuries. And here I find myself in a beautiful blue room above the tree tops overlooking a huge lake full of herons and cardinals and constant yellow butterfly's. It is called the Sky Loft and of course! He loved to play on words. So of course he would guide me to this place and meet me here, in a loft in the sky!

Because here, as in Misty Glen Cabin in the Smokies, I have found a portal to communion. And that somehow has allowed for a more soulful kind of grief, making its perfect way to a new and more peaceful level of acceptance,and understanding... even letting go.

But most of all.. I can hear. I mean in a totally new way. Dare I try to explain? Suffice it to say that the wisdom of this astounding earth, in all her beauty and mystery in this fairy land forest;

along with my willingness (and readiness I guess) to open to a whole different level of receptivity,

AND the way this strange and vibrantly alive forest, with its sacred medicine rock, enchants and whispers and calls for ceremony... I can hear it! And I like it, a lot. And I'm somehow different. I am reverent and overwhelmingly grateful.

Please visit the website http://www.rainbowhearth.com/ and share it with friends. Come here, come home. This place ROCKS! The land of this retreat is a place originally visioned and purchased by Mariah. Then, over 28 years, she and her husband Richard co-created it to what it is today. These two are such kindred spirit's to both North and I- Mariah and Richard. Richard died from cancer last year, as North did. I imagine the two of the great friends of endless conversation and philosophising; high winging each other over just how good we are doing! Mariah and I have had great conversations and immediate conection. I'll be back.

Poetry has been on the edge of my pen since I got here. But each time I sit to write I find myself simply trying to document the countless bits of synchronicity and delightful finds and sights and sounds in the woods.

So I wandered the library here and my hand landed on this small hardback book -

Rilkes Book of Hours, Love Poems to God.

As I sat down to another fabulous meal overlooking the water I let the book fall open as it would. The words on the page stole my breath from me and blew my mind even wider open. So I'll do as my beloved often did, I'll let a poet from the past speak my heart and my journey for me as only poetry can. And I'll share it with you, those who read this. If nothing else I've written about this "process" I've been in... I think this brings it home and helps you (and me) to better understand.

I love the dark hours of my being.
My mind deepens into them.
There I can find, as in old letters,
the days of my life, already lived,
and held like a legend, and understood.

Then the knowing comes: I can open
to another’s life that’s wide and timeless.

So I am sometimes like a tree
rustling over a gravesite
and making real the dream
of the one its living roots
embrace:

a dream once lost
among sorrows and songs.

Rilke – From “Love Poems to God”

Finally On My Way...

Hello Everyone! Today is Thursday, April 17th, 2008. And, at long last, I am finally on the road.

Getting the “Mac Truck” flu (thanks for taking care of me Mom!), having and replacing three (yes, 3!) dead or dying batteries (it takes one for the engine and two for the RV systems), banking and paperwork issues, and finally, when I thought I was all ready… high winds…all contributed to delaying my original desired departure date. But as I continue to believe in, and consistently find proof of, the Divine Right Order and timing of things, it all worked out for the best, in some truly amazing ways. I was able to spend just a little more quality time with family and friends.

... Like two awesome bon voyage gatherings - one in the OC with my GB's, and one in my home town (thanks Christinia and Anton!); a wild night out to Sushi with the Buckler’s, Zach, Chris and Leigh; staying the night in the RV with Skyler and Jackson, as well as Pop and Linda (great steaks Dad!); Glen Ivy Spa with Ma and my sistah’s, Kris and April; going horseback riding on wonderful Freedom with Mom; being able to attend Sis Kris’ first art show (so proud of you darlin’), and completing some important things to free me up for my journey. Sis Kris said she could never imagine anyone being more prepared than I!

So I gassed up in Lakeside and got on Highway 8 East on Tuesday morning, April 15th at around 9:30 am. As I merged onto a stretch of road I’d be on for many hours I took a deep breath and looked around at the town I grew up in. I felt a strange mix of excitement, sadness, and oddly (but then again, maybe not) bewilderment or confusion. Was I really, finally, actually doing this – driving away from all that I’ve known for places unknown?! – In this big RV with just my dog? It was surreal to say the least, especially when the CD I had in of Rickie Byers Beckwith of Agape Spiritual Center, began playing “I Feel Like Letting Go.” The lyrics go something like this… “I feel like letting go. Let God. Let go. With God all things are possible! With God all things are bountiful. And deep within God loves me so. Let go, I’m letting go.” Wow.

SO… where am I now you might ask? In a campground in Southern Arizona at a place called Kartchner Caverns State Park, just south of Tuscon. (Thanks for the tip Sheila!) I go on a tour in the morning. I spent my first night in Casa Grande, CA, a 7 hour drive from Lakeside. The next day I made my way to Green Valley, Arizona where my Uncle Larry and Aunt Joanne live. We had a lovely afternoon at the Desert Museum which has a fabulous menagerie of native flora and fauna in natural habitats. I swear that mountain lion turned to look at me for more than a picture; it being one of my all time favorite wild creatures AND, according to my Native American animal cards, my right side totem, or spirit guide. They represent leadership, primal feminine strength, protection and courage, and solitude.

I guess I can relate to that now as I enter into two full weeks alone across the desert and into the South. Two weeks of quiet and only Barnie to talk to along long roads through Texas and into Louisiana. I can already feel some “just-underneath-the-surface” thoughts and feelings beginning to rise up. I miss my sweet husband SO much, wishing he was here with me planning and laughing. It’s hard but it’s good. No more obnoxious to-do list to keep the process of my grieving and healing at bay. The deeper healing is a hand and I can actually feel him more, thank GOD. It’s been 8 months already and in a way I feel like only now can I go to a new place with his loss. I am sad, yet glad for where I am; mystified at the whole big open plan, and even a little bit anxious. But I know it’s all good. That’s why I’m here. That’s where I’m going.

Love and blessings and hugs to you all,
Stef