Big Change - Big Dog - Big Decisions

Hello loved one's,

Here is an e-mail exchange with my friend Jeannine (the bean) that, once I completed my response to her, I realized would make a fine blog up-date.

Much love, health and happiness to all who visit and read here.

Stef
(P.S. Pls notice my new e-mail address - stefmcswink@yahoo.com)

----- Original Message ----
From: Jeannine Stark
To: stefmcswink@yahoo.com
Sent: Thursday, February 7, 2008 7:38:51 PM
Subject: Hi Stef!

Hello Angel friend~

How are you girlfriend? How did the packing/moving go? I have not see you in awhile and miss you terribly! I hope to see you soon! Just wanted to say hi and hope all is well with you. You have been in my thoughts lately and I am sending love...

How is it going at Susan's and how is Zach? Hope all is going well with moving in and readjusting. How is your new doggie?? Would love to hear from you--GB! Love and light~Jeannine xo

Saturday morning, February 9th, 2008
Hi Bean!

Thank you for the e-mail and your ever present loving and caring nature!

Lots of challenges during this change. The move out felt like it really was never going to end. I had some help but most of it was me touching, deciding about, purging, giving away, storing or keeping with me 92 years worth of life stuff! (40 for me and 52 for North). As much as I'd rather stay upbeat and positive, truth is I've been exhausted and sad and stressed and I am SO glad it is finally OVER!

The difficulty of this time of transition has been intensified by the presence of the new dog (Ivan), who has turned out to be a Jekyll and Hyde creature. Sweet as pie at home and psycho wanna-be killer of all other dogs when out. When he sees another dog he lunges and spins and starts making the most bizarre and LOUD yowling-like scream if you will. It literally has brought people out of their homes wondering what human or creature was hurt or dying! Between that and the fact that he barks non-stop whenever I have to leave him in a room or outside, well... I could not in good conscience subject him (or myself or Barnie) to sequestering his 70# gorgeous self into an RV, having every walk be tense and scary, and having him bark whenever I want to go to a store or museum or whatever.

I realize that with training he could improve (I watched 4 episodes of the dog whisperer last night and saw it is possible to turn the aggression around). But when I am honest with myself I have to admit that having all that energy on my trip is not what I want. I want to finally and at long last experience real relaxation and no agenda, and most importantly, release from stress and that constant state of feeling almost overwhelmingly responsible for something or someone of vital importance.

Truth is, I am making myself ready for my life to become about me for awhile... about a ME that has yet to be re-discovered or discovered anew. So...I have made the very difficult decision to return this stunning white shepard wolf dog to the rescue group today. I have never released a dog once I've made a commitment. But after much gut twisting consideration, I know it is in the best interest of everyone involved. So I pray and trust he finds the absolute perfect forever home SOON. (I am going to offer to foster him until he finds his next owners).

What I have yet to "get" is the "reason" for all of this. How was it that I felt it a good idea to get a totally unknown HUGE creature right in the middle of a stressful life-changing move? I mean he is sweet with Barnie, stunningly good looking (there's a clue!), and I felt I would be secure and protected with him on my trip. It felt right. So why did it go this way, with him getting Barnie sick with kennel cough and costing me literally over a grand in adoption fees, vet bills and supplies!? Only to return him??? Sigh... I am attempting to surrender to the mystery and remembering that there is good in every situation, whether I see it clearly now or later or not. I still want another dog but I am much clearer of what I want (or don't want) and am releasing the whole thing for now. Hopefully it will happen when its right (perhaps when I am on the road) and Barnie and I and the new doggie will adjust easily, get along great and be mellow together!

So I am here at Zach's and the Buckler's home now. This is my third wake up here and it is quite comfortable to be with this family that I feel a part of so easily. Some think it strange for me to temporarily move in with my husband's ex-wife... but not us! We all love each other and Susan even filled my Rx for my sore throat last night and made me tea. So life is good... again. And after some much needed R&R I will, with my Dad's continual and thorough help, continue my research into just the right vehicle for my trip and start making plans for my new journey.

I am so glad to have friends like you in my life and it comforts me to know that no matter where I go, you will always be close to me.

Much love and many warm blessings to you,
Stef