New Chapters on the Journey

Hello and blessings from Stef.

It has been a whole lot longer than I expected between entries on this blog. My intentions were to post pictures and acknowledgments of the many significant events and people involved in the past two incredible, bizarre, painful and nearly unbelievable months since my beloved died. Yes, two months ago today, on August 11th, 2007, North released his final breath. And startlingly enough, I find myself continuing to breathe... and live... and to find new ways of doing both.

Two months. Surreal is the first descriptive word that comes to mind. My experience has gone from countless days of disbelief, shock and the absolute inability to integrate and accept that he was no longer alive (it still rocks me to write that), to a very gradual and continuing assimilation of this new reality of mine. Over and over and over I would catch my breath and look around in dazed confusion... "What? He's gone? Wait a second. That can't be. It is JUST NOT POSSIBLE!" And the tears would come, over and over. And sometimes the agony of the silent stillness of our home would push me over an edge that truly defies description. Unless, of course, you have been there... in that place of grief at the loss of a loved one, especially one you loved and lived with every day. Which I realize many have. Of course. People die. We all die, someday, somehow, eventually. Life and death. The yin and the yang. Dark and light. Both/And. The way of things. I/we may not like it, but it is that way. I seek to find deeper and deeper peace with it.

And the worldly way of things for me is that it has been a very full two months. From the beautiful beyond belief memorial service and releasing of the ashes off the coast of Dana Point, to the trip back to North's home town of Maryville, Tennessee with Zach and Susan,. There we repeated the process of both ceremonies with family and friends (many of whom I met for the first time, and subsequently fell in love with... North's Cousins Barry, Charlotte and Cliff and their significant others, Theresa, Louanne, and Nadine). Before returning home I took a perfect and also very healing side trip to Lake Keeowee, South Carolina. There I stayed with cousins Jim and Saundra (from my side of the family) in their lovely lake front home. They provided me with much needed sanctuary in my own space and lots of love and quiet. I LOVE MY ENTIRE FABULOUS FAMILY- McKinnons, Morrison's and Swinks!

There are so many people to thank here, many of whom I have spoken my gratitude, many whom I have not. PLEASE know I love and thank each of you deeply, EVERYONE! The continual love, caring, calls, cards and prayers from so many wonderful people has made this time bearable. Even in my pain of missing North, I feel your love and I feel blessed.

My days and nights have been filled with much. Not the least of which is the astonishing amount of things to do as an executor and wife of a person whose physical life has ended. Wow.

It has been difficult and frustrating. I won't deny or diminish that fact. But there have also been some real gems along this rocky road. (Thank God!) I am forever transformed by my day and night alone in the Smoky Mountain cabin (this was a few days before the Tennessee service and releasing of ashes from Lookout Point), and also where North and I stayed and made many magical memories together every trip back there. Being alone in that wonderful secluded place in the woods (it is called Misty Glen), away from phones and paperwork and to do lists, was a truly mystical time of surrender and healing, and most of all, of several blissfully undeniable experiences of connection to the spirit of my man. (You will have to wait for the book for those details!) I'll never forget my morning screaming match with the thunder as I stood in the creek-bed wailing my deep grief. And the surrender into prayer that came then; prayer for peace and continual healing for both North and I, and also for rain. I wanted a deluge! And it came! I danced in the woods, in the twilight rain and only the poetry that flowed from me afterwards comes close to capturing the feeling and the mystical way nature's transcendence overtook me. I am not the same. I am forever changed. And I think, just maybe, I am better.

And now, today, I am on another leg of this new journey. And once again, the journey is more than metaphorical. I am at Cousin Dan and his family's place in Evergreen, Colorado! My Dad Bill, Barnie dog and I, took a 9 day road trip through the rock wonders of Utah to get here. We had a fabulous time! What a primo travel planner and partner my pop is! Thanks Dad! I love you tons!

We went through Vegas and into Brian Head, Utah (Thanks Eddie and Cathy!), on into Zion (WOW!), and then into Bryce Canyon (TRIPLE WOW) where we camped and spent North's 53rd Birthday, the 4th of October, staring in amazement at the astonishing creativity and diversity of Mother Nature. She is definitely showing off there! And I think he (the Birthday Boy) had a hand in the rain shower, deer family bounding past, and the literal sign to me. Just after asking him aloud for an undeniable sign of his continual presence in some mysterious form, I look up to see the only "sign" for miles that reads... "North Campground." Call it coincidence or my imagination if you like. Either way, given the choice of seeing it as a signal of his continual presence in my life, or a fluke.. I choose option one! Thank you sweetheart! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
(Click on pics to see them larger)
So I will update again, hopefully with more pictures, soon. Meanwhile I am going for a hike in this incredible forest with the dogs (Barnie and Hershy Morrison) and then meeting the family for dinner out later on. I am so glad to finally be here and to set aside some of the busy work for a bit so as to be alone in the woods and also with family, and to just relax. I love you all. Very much. Stef (and Barnie) McKinnon