Our Mixed Bag of Life

It's Friday morning, May 11th, 2007, and a gorgeous spring day in San Clemente. As my beloved sleeps and I sit at my computer, such a variety of recent experiences spin in my head. (By the way, thank you for the comments and e-mails from my last raw journal enetry. THIS one is just an update with some cool pictures that I hope you enjoy.) The first thing grabbing my attention this day is the return of our new friend outside my window. (See picture.) Every day for the past week or so, a pure white dove has graced our doorstep and the lower branches of the tree just outside our front door. Craig noticed her first and we've all been amazed at her "tameness" and steady presence. (I am sure the seed I put out every day is appreciated!) She sings her beautiful dove song each morning and evening and is almost always there to greet us just above our heads as we go in or out of the house. It feels wonderful and amazing that at such a seemingly shadowy time on our journey such an undeniable symbol of beauty, peace and hope has come to live with us. In my animal medicine book it says that throughout history the dove has been a symbol of peace and, because of its association with many goddesses, it is considered the embodiment of the maternal instinct. And then I quote, "Doves and their song remind us that no matter what our life conditions, new waters and new life are still possible."

Yesterday personified the "mixed bag" of our life so well. When I think of that phrase I imagine a mixed bag of fruit with some pieces seemingly perfect, ripe and juicy, and others too hard or over-ripe and mushy, moldy and gross.

Yesterday we got test results Dr.Ou summarized as "a push" (a gambler's phrase for two rolls of dice that cancel each other out.) Obviously we were hoping for more good news like last time, you know, the kind that says the chemo is continuing to shrink the tumors. But that was not the case. Good news is that the big tumor on his liver is what they call "inactive". This means it's not gone but it's not growing. Very good news. The unsettling news is that there is "evidence for new skeletal and pulmonary metastases", and this pretty much explains the mysterious pain in his chest and difficulty taking deep breaths. (The dove coo's again.) But to add to the mystery, the pain has decreased these past few days and we are grateful. So another chemo drug, erbotux, will be added to the taxol he is already taking. The new one is one time per week and the other will continue every three. In another 6 weeks we will scan again and go from there.

But the flowers are blooming in our yard and the bird is in the tree and two wonderful friends (Shivam and Steve) came up and spent some true quality time with us in the afternoon. Nicola came the day before and North and she also had a wonderful visit. Yesterdays' four way conversation, which included lightness, laughter, fear and tears, really lifted us all and filled our hearts with that juicy stuff I was talking about; the really great part of the mixed bag.
And in that light I wanted to post photo's and mention two fabulous outings North and I were blessed with in recent months. The first was a wonderful weekend with my Dad and Linda, my sister and her family, the two of us and Zach, in a cabin at Lake Gregory in the San Bernadino Mnts. A gift from Pop and Linda and a really great time. Thanks for the precious family memories!
The other was an incredible wedding gift from my mom's long-time friend, Dr. Joy Bickford. Her son owns "Miracle Spa" (great name!) in Desert Hot Springs and we enjoyed four all-expenses-paid, bliss filled days of rest and renewal. We highly recommend the spa and are still awed at the suite, numerous hot mineral pools, great food and BIG generosity of the Bickford family. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

I will end this blog entry with the help of the angel statue Grace gave to us and one of my favorite musicians - James Taylor. The angel in our living room caught my camara's attention the other day. And not until I downloaded it did I notice that she is literally "Holding the light" for us in the photo, and with a dove no less! (see below.) And yesterday when we parked the car upon returning home from the hospital, the following song played. As we listened and tears filled my eyes, North tenderly touched my face, smiled and reminded me that, no matter what, it is still a lovely ride. So between the angel, the flowers, the dove(s), our friends and this song, I believe the secret of life is in the mixed bag, and I agree with my husband, even with all the variety it still makes for a lovely ride - one definately worth having.

Secret O' Life
The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time
Any fool can do it
There ain't nothing to it
Nobody knows how we got to
The top of the hill
But since we're on our way down
We might as well enjoy the ride
The secret of love is in opening up your heart
It's okay to feel afraid
But don't let that stand in your way
'Cause anyone knows that love is the only road
And since we're only here for a while
Might as well show some style
Give us a smile
Isn't it a lovely ride
Sliding down
Gliding down
Try not to try too hard
It's just a lovely ride
Now the thing about time is that time
Isn't really real
It's just your point of view
How does it feel for you
Einstein said he could never understand it all
Planets spinning through space
The smile upon your face
Welcome to the human race
Some kind of lovely ride
I'll be sliding down
I'll be gliding down
Try not to try too hard
It's just a lovely ride
Isn't it a lovely ride
Sliding down
Gliding down

Try not to try too hard

It's just a lovely ride
Now the secret of life is enjoying the passage of time