Difficult dreams, facing fear and feeling freedom.

There is so much happening, changing, moving, growing; so much I long to write about and share because I can feel its power and significance. Of course North and I are the only ones LIVING this particular experience day in and day out, day after day. But we both know there are so many people out there who care and want to know how we are and what is going on. It is comforting and often rather mind-blowing to think of how our journey is being shared by so many people. We continue to hear that folks we have never even met read this blog, and just the other day we got an anonymous card, book and $20 bill with a postmark from New York!

North's first outing was a big one. Cousin Dan (You all remember our Hawaiian Hero who is actually from the South) , and Vickie's son, Will, came to San Diego for a week of musical memory making at "The Power Chord Academy." We picked up my Mom on the way to the final day's concert and WOW! What an experience - for all of us! Way to go Will! I was so great to spend time with you. And dude,

YOU SO TOTALLY ROCK! :-D

In the last blog entry I shared pictures and words of joy about North being complete with his journey through intense cancer treatment. What I did not share was how extremely hard that last week and the one following were; about how the physical effects are accumulative and up until this past week North felt worse than he did all along.

But the transformation is truly amazing. The skin on his face, neck and shoulder is healing rapidly. The liesions on his tongue are fading and his mouth is no longer burning constantly. His energy is returning slowly and he even went out to breakfast with Mom and I and ate half a grape and a bite of Honeydew melon! Whoo Hoo!


Along with these slow yet steady improvements have come a rather unexpected onslaught of feelings and emotions on both of our parts. Last Friday morning I woke up bawling from one of the most difficult and painful dreams I can ever remember having. North struggled to comfort me as his mind reeled with the deeply unsettling effects of a dream he had.
As it turned out, my client had to cancel last minute that morning and what a blessing… North and I sat together and shared our scary dreams, and so much more. I could not stop crying from the grief and images of my dream, which so obviously symbolized my fear of loss – not only loss of my beloved but the potential loss of my dreams of having children and then the agonizing possibility that I could have them THEN lose them too! (A very old and mysteriously strong fear of mine.) North talked about his dream/nightmare of trying to save his family from deadly radiation that was coming and finding him self unsure as to whether he could succeed and save himself as well.
We realized all this fear and uncertainty seemed to be finding a foothold in both of us as our focus shifted from dealing daily with intense pain and moment-to-moment care and survival, to “What happens now?”

Truth is, we don't know. We are trying to find a way to be present in the moment while simultaneously realizing that, as much as we hope, pray and affirm that all the cancer is gone, NEVER TO RETURN, we still have more tests to go through to prove it, or otherwise. This is where we still very much need your prayers. Not only prayers to know the cancer is gone completely and permanently, but prayers to help us live in peace and faith instead of dread and fear. We don't want to miss NOW by obsessively worrying about the POSSIBLE future. And when we think of the future we want to think of it in terms of the joy we will feel when the test results prove he is disease free. We want to visualize all the things we have to look forward to and all the people we will help and all the years of living a full and abundant life...

Two follow up appointments with the surgeon team on Monday answered some questions and created more. When can we scheduele the next PET scan? (End of July.) What will happen if there is still cancer found? (Not sure - proably more and different chemo.) When will reconstruction of the face and mouth start? (Don't know. Wait for test results...) Will my cheekbone on ice be put back in? (Probably not. Might be too complicated. Have to wait and see.) How will the prosthetic eye work? What will it and my new teeth connect to? (Call the eye and dental specialist.)
That afternoon we faced each other and our fears AGAIN. And AGAIN we got to a miraculous place of honesty and courage. But it was hard. SO hard to verbalize our ultimate and biggest fear. But the fact is that that the possibility exists every day that any one of us could find ourselves .. no longer here. Life is uncertain, precious and fragile. But, thank God, we both believe, it is eternal in one form or another.

Until that day we had not been in a place where we could REALLY go there in our conversations. Not that clearly. So we did. We talked and explored but didn't quite figure out how to face the fear of death and not be made paralyzed or even weakened by it. I mean, we are not at that place right now and hope not to be for many long years. But the fact remains that as long as we avoided really looking at it or even talking about it, it had more power than we wanted it to. So we made a pact to share with each other EVERYTHING we are feeling and thinking about this situation. We committed to this so we don’t find ourselves living in denial or being inauthentic out of fear of scaring or upsetting the other person. This is a big deal, damn it, and there is no time for pretending or faking or hiding!! We HAVE TO be open and revealing and find strength in our very potent love for one another. It is what will get us through this. Our “togetherness” has intensified through this experience and the deepening quality of our relationship with ourselves, each other, and with Spirit or God, is what binds us, saves us and makes it all worth it!
As do our family and friends. Thank you for being in our lives and loving us and adding so much joy and appreciation. Thank you for reading this long blog! We are SO glad our journey includes so many TRULY wonder-full people.
July the 4th has passed and we had a great time. Thanks Mom for a fabulous, laughter filled few days. Thank you Craig for being the best landlord, nieghbor and caring friend ever and for the great picnic! And thanks to Craig's great friends (and now ours!) Jeff and Carmen and Mother Mertle. Mertle inspired North greatly with her zest and vitality at 97 years of age!

May we all live long and love fully.

Namaste and peaceful blessings,

Stef